Grasshopper

The grasshopper laid on the small open air passageway between the stairs and the front door of my apartment. A streak of ardent green juxtaposed against the gray, brutalist pockmarks of the concrete walkway. And yet, I almost stepped on it. Not, on purpose mind you, but because of the very subtle pull from peripheral vision; a beckoning of sorts when one’s mind is on autopilot.

It looked like it was dead. A grasshopper is not considered an elegant insect, with its many sharp angles and rectilinear tagma. Nothing like the gentle curves of a butterfly. But with this, comes a natural orientation that I could clearly see even while erect. It was lying on its side, throwing off the alignment to the ground attained by millions of years of evolution.

But occasional twitches showed specks of life remained. Unfortunately, my hands were full carrying trash to the bin, and saving this tiny green mote involved several steps. I would had to lean my trash bag against the wall, find and gently use a piece of card stock or paper to scoop the little fellow. Finally, take this little specimen down the flights of stairs and deposit it among the shrubs.

Maybe “several steps” is overselling it, but I ultimately did nothing and continued with my chores after returning from the bins. Was it really that hard to do something for a helpless creature stuck in a foreign land? The activation energy required so large that I chose inactivity? (To be fair, it was three flights of stairs…)

Or was my laissez faire attitude the correct choice for it was too weak to survive anyways? The wind was strong that day, and I suspected that it was blown from the nearby tree onto the balcony. Perhaps the traveler was just catching its breath and would straighten up by itself after several minutes

Twenty minutes later, when I was throwing away the recycling, it was gone.

 

Tapping Out

I’m a fan of well-designed objects. One where its clear that an engineer spent some late nights thinking about the utility. They consciously insert themselves into the consumer who just want an intuitive experience paired alongside the promised functionality.

Things like the OXO measuring jug, where the lines are placed so that the baker doesn’t have to bend over. Or maybe just a door whose design clearly proclaims whether it should be pulled or pushed. A paperclip even passes this criteria.

The inverse is also true. Sometimes the pursuit for trends or profits causes a product to be utterly disgusting to use, causing pain (well, more so emotional damage). Even worse is when these products are procured by other businesses or the government, and just squirts soap or blows hot air when you want water….

In other words, I hate those stupid new faucets with soap dispenser/dryer that look alike. Shitty things like

or this…

or this…

especially this…

like who thought this was good… a three in one?

KISS.

A Terrible Philosophy

You are standing next to a lever that controls a runaway trolley. The trolley is headed straight for five people who are tied to the track. You can pull the lever to divert the trolley onto a different track, but there is one person tied to that track. Do you pull the lever?

You decide to pull the lever. Unfortunately, due to lack of infrastructure upkeep, the lever malfunctions and snaps off and you witness the brutal massacre of five innocent workers. It’s a good thing they were unionized and their widows are now receiving proper indemnity benefits.

A runaway trolley is headed towards five people who are tied to the track. There is no lever that you can pull to divert the trolley, but there is a large person standing next to you. The only way to stop the trolley and save the five people is to push the large person off the bridge and onto the track.

You try to push the person off the track. But you, a scrawny philosophy student who subsists on a diet of ramen and Cheetos, lack the power to push the large person off. As retaliation, the large person shoves you instead, and your last thought before you are crushed is about Camus.

You are a surgeon performing an operation on a patient. Suddenly, five other patients rush into the operating room. They have all been involved in a car accident and are in critical condition. You can only operate on one patient, and you know that the other five patients will die if you don’t operate on them.

After asking the RN to find insurance cards in their wallets and realizing that the five new patients are most likely on high deductible plans, you decide to simply operate on the original patient. After all, he has that new BCBS plan that will finally help you make a dent in that ridiculous $100,000 student loan. So much for the Hippocratic oath.

You are a self-driving car engineer. You are working on a new algorithm that will prevent self-driving cars from hitting people. However, you know that the algorithm is not perfect, and there is a small chance that it will cause the car to swerve into oncoming traffic and kill the people in the car. Do you release the algorithm?

Your boss is Elon Musk. Of course you do/did and was/will be the cause of a major pile up on I-75 one of these days.

Shared Experiences

The clue read

3 letters, 39 Across: Tamagotchis are digital ones

celerius: wait you don't know this noah? 
noahsfart: uhhhh no I don't
celerius: did you not have one like in early 2000s? everyone had one 
noahsfart: dude, I just never did. guess I faintly 
    remember classmates having one???
noahsfart: idk I was just playing too much maplestory lol

Noah started doing the crossword on Discord with his friends during lock down  as a way to feel connected. However, he didn’t expect a game, out of all things, to cause a moment of self-reflection.

“Why didn’t I know what Tamagotchis are? Oh god, what are other toys that I didn’t play with? … did I have a bad childhood? Oh my god, think of all the cultural phenomenon that I never will know! My friends already think I’m weird because I never watched Teen Titans…”

He didn’t have a terrible childhood. After all, it’s just a matter of circumstances that he couldn’t control that he never got to take care of a digital pet. The fleeting panic passed by the second the group moved to the next clue:

4 letters, 44 Down: Cubs slugger

snickerpunch: isn't slugger a baseball term? is must be AROD
noahsfart: it's not AROD, it's definitely SOSA. AROD never 
    played for the cubs.
celerius: how do you know this baseball stuff???
noahsfart: ... how do you know about Tamaguccis
noahsfart: I mean i did play little league for 5 years.
snickerpunch: lmao guccis

Impressions

Trist sunk into the sagging loveseat immediately after throwing her keys onto the credenza. The air in the apartment was too warm, but she didn’t have the vim to stand back up to adjust the thermostat.

It had been a long day, with several of her clients being especially difficult. One wanted Trist to call his almost-estranged son and to convince him to visit him in the nursing home, threatening to leave him out of the large will. Another, unfortunately, was just never easy no matter the day.

It would be another hour or so before Luc, Trist’s husband, got home. Luc typically finishes his scheduled tennis coaching sessions around this time. “Scheduled” seems to be a suggested word. He was far too gregarious to just leave the kids at six sharp, and would stay after to talk and afford guidance in their personal lives. Luc and Trist agreed that kids for them were out of the equation, but Luc couldn’t help but pretend to be a dad for those on the courts.

Luc tore his ACL in the middle of qualifiers for a middling tournament, whilst figuratively also tearing any chance at tennis stardom. Since then, it had been difficult finding steady work in a field rife with athletes who flustered in the big leagues. Teaching kids at the high school made ends meet then.

For dinner, Trist had a table set with a large heaping pile of curried lentils with herbs, some sausages, and a bowlful of roasted root vegetables. All served on plain glassware as their precious china from the wedding sits unused. Festivities where elegant plates were appropriate just never arose in the year since their wedding.

The gibber jabber went as usual; Trist and Luc always loved their banter when together. A little light teasing here or there; a lot of complaining about their days recently. Usually, the nights ended with some light escapism. For Luc, it was scrolling through feeds while Trist enjoyed streaming dramatic series. Parallel play as the psychologist called it: the company itself was the entire point. That night though, they never stopped talking.

” … it’s just those people are so terrible. I know this makes me a terrible person, but I really want him to just… go away if you catch my drift.”

“Actually, you know what Trist? it’s been too long, we should go on a vacation. Maybe that’ll help? I know I need one too.”

“We’ve been through this. We don’t have the money for that yet. I don’t have the vacation days… your kids’ parents are gonna be mad if you have to cancel practice. So many things to plan. Maybe someday”

“Yeah I know….”

In that little exchange, the seed was planted. Several weeks later, Trist saw an advertisement in the nursing home promising the elderly the ability to travel like they were young again. No more of the shuffle onto coach buses, and being herded around the sights like animals. It promised adventuring with the vigor of youth.

The product Zephyr was a state-of-the-art implant alongside pills which loaded “experiences” to the implants. Essentially, it engaged the remaining senses that VR goggles ignored by interfacing directly with the brain to stream in what it feels like to surf the waves of Bondi beach, or zip line across a Costa Rica jungle. Fanfare for such a revolutionary product was massive.

It was also far cheaper than any physical journeys, and the implant was noninvasive. There was a catch though: after an experience, one must still pony up the monthly fee. It turns out the plasticity of the human brain means that it actively will seek and diffuse away those memories. After a few days, it would be as if the experiences never happened.

Trist showed Luc the website that night.

“Remember how we talked about taking a trip awhile ago? This is so much cheaper!”

“Yeah, but we’re not actually doing it. Does it really count?”

“It says it can pretend that days has passed and …”

“… And there’s a subscription cost. What exactly are we subscribing to anyways?”

“Oh that’s for making your brain remember the whole thing.”

“Pfft, so not even really remembering it.”

“Come on, it’s not even a hundred dollars, let’s just try it.”

A week after getting the implants, Luc and Trist opened the mail to discover the package has arrived. The two initially couldn’t decide on what they wanted to do, but ultimately chose the couples package to Belize. The box contained just two pills, one for each of them, and the remaining space where filled with brochures advertising this-or-that “trip.”

The actual experience was magical. The getaway was a “reservation” at a cabana on the beach for three days with all excursions included. There with other people on the shore, but they were AI generated and got out of the way when prompted. The weather was, in every sense of the word, optimal. Water, crystal blue. And best of all, the two were somehow able to interact while in this simulation.

It was legitimately a fun adventure for Trist and Luc. And oddly enough, the pictures they took while “in” Belize showed up on their doorsteps soon after. Truly unBelizeable as the trite T-shirts would say.

This became a tradition for them: every half year, they would pick out another adventure. It provided just enough glimmer in the rat race for them to push on.

Some time later, the cycle of capitalism hit a nadir. Trist’s nursing home laid her off, and Luc’s coaching gigs dried up. They struggled to stay afloat, even with the unemployment checks. Those also eventually shriveled up prompting the two to start cutting expenses.

By the fourth month, the Zephyr monthly cost came onto the chopping block. They knew that all those experiences would be erased, but figured it’s easy enough once things were better to do it again. After all, don’t many people wish they could re-experience a transformative movie or music for the first time?

Six months after the lay offs, the maintenance pills stopped coming. Unbeknownst to Luc and Trist, their implants also malfunctioned. One day, they woke up in bed, and stared blankly at each other’s eyes, waiting for the rush of memories to kick in.

It never did.

The memories wiped extended beyond their little vacations. Somehow, their entire relationship was among the trail of destruction left behind. The two kept on starring into each eyes inquisitively as if the act of looking could remove the hoarfrost that clearly was between the two strangers now.

As Trist and Luc individually got up and looked around their room, they realized how fragile love was. Just bits of neurons firing at the sight of a certain person triggering other portions of the brain to respond; a little hormone here or there too. Yet, from the photos of the two happily together in unknown lands, it was clear that it had meant everything to the two.

The Mandolin-ian.

Laziness prompted me to buy a mandolin. It did expedite the slicing of my potatoes, but at a cost of some dermis from the knuckle of my middle finger. Hubris lost me that piece of skin.

Wow, this is so easy to slice by using my hand. Why use the protector. Only dumb peo….

Worse of all, since I wasn’t done with the dish, I had to painstakingly finish the recipe with only one hand. Arranging the sliced potatoes vertically in the casserole dish can be a real spud in the butt as one might say.

For the Black Friends-day dinner the next day, I made the same potato gratin dish again. This time using the protector the entire time. I stayed whole. The dish stayed delicious (because how can it not be? It had two cups of heavy cream and another half pound of premium cheese. It’ll be difficult to make it not delicious), and life was joyous.

I guess the lesson here is that I should’ve bought a mandolin awhile ago, back when I was young, limber and heal from scrapes in half an hour rather than the six hours it took for the wound to congeal. Pride will never change.

On an tangent, I really cannot find the connection of the word mandolin the instrument versus mandolin the slicer. There is a website which claims that the tool was named because the action resembled the strumming movement of mandolin the instrument but that sounds bonkers to me.

 

Realist Musings

This stream of consciousness will be a classic case of Dunning-Kruger effect, speaking as someone who’s education in international relation began and ended in an “Introduction to IR” class where I ended up with a solid B, never spoke up in class, and generally got confused while doing the readings.

But one of the classic theories I remember is the Golden Arches Theory of Peace. It states that:

No two countries that both have a McDonald’s have ever fought a war against each other

which, given the current situation, can probably be declared officially dead. Side note, does the theory apply if McDonald’s retroactively pulls out of Russia?

Perhaps the better theory should have the caveat that both countries have functioning democracies. This seems better supported by the small data set at hand: the main counterexamples on Wikipedia (with the exception of Israel/Lebanon) seems to justify the addendum.

This makes intuitive sense. Having a McDonald’s franchise necessarily mean that the country is fairly stable, has a solid logistical base, and can generate income. However, this doesn’t mean much in terms of politics of the country. Case in point, China.

It’s also worrying to see what has happened in Ukraine from the lens that it’s the death rattle of Putin. There’s been rumors of Putin’s declining health, and perhaps this is his need to create a “legacy”? This doesn’t bode well for the Taiwan-China situation either, as China has a huge demographic time bomb caused by the one-child policy. What will happen once that starts to happen?

I really don’t need this century to have another global-order-redefining war.

Helplessness

The last three weeks has been terrible in every sense of the word with the outbreak of war in Europe. Even though I’m more than eight time zones way from the action, my anxiety level is through the roof, and has caused my heart rate to spike. Part of the reason is that I have absolutely no control over the situation. Nothing I do can effect the news.

I think one indication of maturity level is how one handles helplessness. As my world opened up while aging, there’s more and more things which I can’t change. The way I fundamentally look, the way mustard taste, the way someone else feels about you. And now, the way global geopolitics is shaping up for the foreseeable future.

My approach right now is best encapsulated by Vonnegut’s “so it goes.” It’s okay to be frustrated at what’s going on. In fact, one should absolutely be aghast at what’s happening to the climate crisis, Ukraine war, the pandemic… but alas, what can I do besides my little part?

It’s odd how I think about this right now. Perhaps it’s a strategy to deal with overwhelming anxiety, but I always believed that I have an internal locus of control. I firmly believe that my future is under my control, but having moved to ABQ, home of a nuclear lab, I fully realized that if nuclear war were to break out, I would be incinerated instantly. Furthermore, there’s also issues of health in my family that I can’t control. It just sucks that as we age, chaos increasingly dominates our life and helplessness goes up.

So it goes.

 

A Tale from Anasazi

Once, there was a handsome fellow who liked to climb rocks. He lived in an age where people managed to construct monoliths-esque structure inside a building! In these gyms of rocks, he would climb tall rocks which required ropes, and sometimes would climb short rocks which didn’t.

One day, he realized that the specialized shoes he was wearing to climb the rocks was wearing out, so he decided to order a new pair from the internet. He found an excellent deal on a great pair of shoes from a, somewhat sketchy, website. But the price. The price was alluring. So he took his credit card, and purchased it.

Days later, a pair of shoes from a warehouse in Spain left, bound for a trip across the pond. Slowly, it meandered into Amsterdam where it boarded a boat and landed in New York City. There, it traveled up I95 and landed in a porch in Providence.

There, the guy opened the package to find the pair of shoes just a tad too small. A little too crampy for my toes, thus he sought to return the shoes. But he soon exclaimed “EGAD!” for the company did not have free returns!

Now, the guy is stuck with a pair of shoes, which are just.

a

tad

too

small.