Well, this past month has been a doozy. From finishing up my semester, to having a personal crisis; I haven’t been able to document much of my thoughts at all.
As the semester came to a close, mom told me that my grandma had a form of cancer. We didn’t know how serious the cancer was, or what stage it was in. All we knew was that it was definitely not benign. This caused a rush of emotions that I didn’t know how to respond to or talk to others about.
Inability to discuss what I felt during those 4-5 days led me to cast a doubt on myself. “What is wrong with me” was asked many, many times with no response from my usually egotistical self. It even spilled over to a game of League of Legends. For some odd reason, I just bursted out in tears after losing a game that we should have won; I still don’t understand why I would cry over such a trivial matter as a video game.
Around that time, I had plenty of projects to work on. The most interesting was probably the animation-esque class I was doing. Jane and I decided to implement the Fattal paper on target-driven smoke animation. For some reason, I turned into a total douchebag by the end of the project. I dictated what should be done in an extremely condescending way, while shooting down all her ideas. Thankfully she was kind enough to stick with me all the way through.
On the front of my research and parallel computing though, it went pretty poorly near the end. I ran into quite a few problems which I’ll have to resolve throughout the summer. There is a large hope that a paper will arise out of this with enough work.
In terms of logistical issues in my life, moving out was a bitch. The kitchen was almost more dirty than Detroit, and my clothes was incredibly hard to sort through. “Should I send this back home… or to DC?” In the end, I finally packed everything and sorted everything out between the times when I was not on campus for senior week.
Speaking of senior week, it was extremely sad seeing the world change. It seems that I while I don’t love the status-quo, I like it more compared to the increasingly faster progression of time. In only a year time, I will be graduating from Cornell.
This made me wish I had done more social stuff this year. Besides Jane, there was literally no one I got particularly close this year. It’s almost like a “lost year” in terms of social development (which I desperately need). I am currently reading through the Carnegie book hoping that it’ll help eventually…
My first day today was great. Great food. Friendly people. Seemingly interesting project. I have high hopes for this summer, and I intend to reach them. The problem seems that I’ll be quite busy after work too. From the research with Bindel to my undying faith that I’ll be the next Penn and Teller, I’ll be busy in the night.
I guess the question I’m faced with now is at what point do I call it quits?
